Crazy times

So I haven’t written in a while. Since before most of this craziness happened really. The craziness that is Covid-19 lockdown!! But I heard something today that summed up how I have been feeling recently and it prompted me to get writing.

Someone on one of my trashy reality TV programs, don’t judge me, said life feels heavy. That’s right, Life feels heavy. That’s how I feel.

I had Coronavirus symptoms so we went into self-isolation on the 18th March, the whole country followed on the 23rd. So that’s 31 days and counting for us!!!

That’s 31 days of doing the same thing!!!

I don’t actually mind being home all the time, I am a bit of a home bunny, but I enjoy my own company and I think that is something I have really struggled with. Never being alone!! There is always someone here. It also feels like there is always someone demanding something of me, cooking, cleaning, washing, entertaining, schooling…… there is just always something. I feel like my mind is never able to switch off. That is what feels heavy.

The mental load of a mother is real and is something that I have struggled with in the past. We walk around with ever growing and changing lists in our heads that we need to keep on top of. Groceries, what runs out, what is needed, school schedules, birthdays, presents, parties, upkeep of the home, clothing for the kids (they never stop growing!)….the lists are endless. We very rarely switch off and, if you are like me, find it incredibly hard to.

At the moment, with all the worry and stress of the actual pandemic on top of those lists, some days I crumble. The littlest things push me over the edge, and I either end up shouting or crying. I have honestly cried more than I thought possible over the last 4 weeks and mostly about silly, petty, ridiculous things. Afterwards I am then wracked with guilt. The usual life guilt really, I am a crappy wife, crappy mum. I am sure every mum out there has felt it. Don’t worry, I don’t think I am, but just have doubts in those moments. I’m sure some of you get it, those moments where you feel like you have failed big time.

Also, god forbid if I watch a sad TV show. I am crier by nature but something that usually would have made me shed a few tears has me sobbing. What is that all about?!?

Ultimately none of what we are experiencing now is normal. Ill tell you what is normal though - anxiety, worry, sadness, emotional highs and lows. They are all normal when going through this. There is no set way to deal with any of it. We are all just doing what we can to survive this thing, this time, in the best way we can. Don’t be afraid to cry. Don’t be afraid to talk to people about how you are feeling. I am lucky enough to have some really good friends that are always there for me to vent to. Sometimes I need to just get things off my chest without someone trying to fix it. Sometimes we all just need a listening ear.

Anyways. I felt like I needed to get that out and down in writing. As I said before, writing things down helps me release it from my mind and move on.

Stay safe and healthy people! x